Bingo!! Send in your funniest Jokes to win 2bbs!
Folks,
We have decided to bring in even more laughs at Paddy Power Bingo!!
So along with the new Chat Game extravaganza we are now running, we have also decided to set up a JOKES page on the blog.
Each day we will be giving out 2bbs to the player who sends in the best joke!
So if you want to reply to this post with your best joke, we will judge them and publish them on the blog and also award you with 2bbs for your efforts!!
Good Luck everyone, and Happy Joke telling!!
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February 19th, 2009 at 5:17 pm
Why do men only have good idea’s durin sex?? Because there plugged into a genius!!
February 19th, 2009 at 10:59 pm
Women’s Problems
- MEN tal illness
- MEN strual cramps
- MEN tal breakdown
- MEN opause
- GUY necologist
- And when we have real trouble, it’s a…..HIS terectomy.
Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with men?
February 19th, 2009 at 11:05 pm
and keeping with the bingo theme!!!i love this 1
Sid’s wife walks in at 2AM with a brand new mink coat.
“Where did you get the coat?” Sid says.
“I won it playing bingo. Could you please fill the bathtub, I want to soak?”
Two days later at 3AM, Sid’s wife walks in with a gorgeous diamond ring. “Where did you get that ring” Sid says.
“I won it playing bingo. Could you please fill the bathtub, I want to soak?”
Following week Sid’s wife pulls up in a new Mercedes at 3AM. “Where did you get the new car?”
“I won it playing bingo. Could you fill the tub for me, I want to soak?”
She goes to the bathroom to find about an inch of water in the tub.
“Sid, how come there’s only one inch of water in the bathtub?”
Sid says, “I didn’t want to get your bingo card wet!!!!!!!!!
February 19th, 2009 at 11:54 pm
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally
‘What in bag?’ asked the old woman .
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, ‘It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.’
The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:
‘Good trade…..
February 20th, 2009 at 10:44 am
paddy goes to the doctor and says i have a sore A$$ doctor
doctor bends him over and finds a wad of money up there
how much was up there asks paddy
the doc replies about £1900
sounds about right doctor i knew i didnt feel 2 grand
February 20th, 2009 at 7:03 pm
what has loads of little balls & screws old ladies ?
A bingo machine
February 20th, 2009 at 7:08 pm
kate & beth where playin bingo. Kate kept looking over Beths shoulder sayin, youve got that number, mark it off, youve got that number, mark it off.
After putting uo with this for some time Beth got annoyed and said, why dont you do your own sheet !?
Kate replied- I can it full !
February 20th, 2009 at 7:19 pm
A Blondes Brain At work
A blonde, a brunette & a redhead all work for a female boss, who always goes home early.
“Hey girls” says the brunette one day, “lets go home early tomarrow. she ll never know”
so the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss !
She sneaks out of the house and vows to return at her normal time the next day.
In the morning, the brunettes says “That was fun, we should do it again sometime”
“no way” says the blonde ” i almost got caught “
February 21st, 2009 at 12:00 am
Blonde fed up with all the blonde jibes decides to change her image,so she dyes her hair brown and goes out for a drive in the country.
After about an hour she runs into a flock of sheep blocking the road,so she turns to the shepherd and says if i can guess the correct number of sheep in your flock can i have 1,the shepherd replies certainly!So the girl has a quick look around and says 503 correct says the shepherd you may have the sheep of your choice so she get out of the car and collects her animal..Just before she gets back in her car the shepherd says to her if I can guess what colour hair you really have can I have my dog back please.
February 21st, 2009 at 5:38 am
An American husband and wife go away on vacation to the Middle East.
During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem the wife unexpectedly dies.
With the death certificate in hand the husband goes to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.
The Consul, after hearing of the death of the wife tells the man that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive and would cost upwards of $5,000.00.
The Consul continues to explain to him that in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here, this been Holy ground and that it would only cost around $150.00.
The Man thinks for some time and then answers, “I don’t care how much it will cost to send the body back, that’s what I want to do,”
The Consul, after hearing this, says “You must have loved your wife very much considering the difference in price.”
“No, it’s not that,” he replies “You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead! I just can’t take that chance.”
February 21st, 2009 at 10:26 am
jack and jill were just married
jack took off his trousers and said to jill try these on
jill said there too big
jack said exactly, i were the trousers in this marriage and always will
jill said try my knickers on
jack said i’ll never get into them
jill said exactly,and if you dont change yer fecking attitude u never fecking will
February 21st, 2009 at 12:38 pm
A family were driving behind an Ann Summers truck when suddenly a huge d…o flew from the back of the truck and hit the windscreen. Startled and wondering what to say to the children the mother says “a darn bug just hit the window”.
One of the children replieed, “I’m suprised he could fly with a d..k that size”
February 21st, 2009 at 3:50 pm
An English doctor was being shown around a Scottish hospital. Near the end of his visit, he saw a ward of patients with no obvious injuries.
He started to examine the first patient, but the man proclaimed:
“Fair fa’ yer honest, sonsie face / Great chieftain o’ the puddin’ race!”
The doctor, taken aback, moved on to the next patient, who immediately said,
“Some hae meat and canna eat / And some wad eat that want it.”
The next patient cried out,
“Wee sleekit cow’rin tim’rous beastie / O what a panic’s in thy breastie!”
“Well,” the English doctor muttered to his Scottish colleague, “I see you saved the psychiatric ward for last.”
“Oh, no,” said the Scottish doctor. “This is our serious Burns unit!”
February 21st, 2009 at 8:22 pm
Wednesday giggle
Three women: One engaged, one married, and one a mistress are
chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That
night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a
mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet up for lunch.
The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over
he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask.
He saw me and said ‘You are the woman of my life. I love you.’ Then
we made love all night long.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his
office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a
raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but
we had wild sex all night.
The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother’s house
for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather
bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as
he came in the door and saw me he said; ‘What’s for dinner, Batman?’
February 21st, 2009 at 8:54 pm
Boys
Q. Why do boys whinge?
A.They are practising to be men like their dads
February 22nd, 2009 at 1:09 am
WHY DO MEN HAVE THEIR BEST IDEAS WHILE HAVING SEX ?
COS THEY ARE PLUGGED INTO A GENIUS.!!!!!!!
February 22nd, 2009 at 9:32 am
anti blonde & sexist jokes ..so im not being missed then lmfao
February 22nd, 2009 at 11:52 pm
There was this guy who had always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson.
One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.
After he picks out the perfect bike, the dealer tells him about an old biker
trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The dealer
tells him that all he has to do is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put
it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily
pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She
asks him to come home and meet her parents and have dinner. He readily accepts
and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley
and they ride to her parents house.
Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that
whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes. After a delicious
dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break the
silence and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the
young man decides to speed things up, so he reaches over and kisses his
woman in front of her family. No one says a word. after a while, he slips his
hand under her blouse and fondles her breasts. Still no one says a word.
Finally, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of
everyone. No one says a word.
Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on
the table. They have even wilder sex. Still no one speaks. By now he is
thinking what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first
thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he gets his jacket,
reaches in
his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline. And then her father says
“Okay dammit, I’ll do the dishes!”
February 23rd, 2009 at 12:04 am
A woman approaches her priest and tells him: “Father, I have a problem. I
have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquires. “They only know how to say, ‘Hi,
we’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?’”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaims. “But I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them
with my two male parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible.
My
parrots will teach you parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your
female parrots will learn to praise and worship.” “Thank you!” the woman
exclaims.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His
two male parrots are holding beads and praying.
When the lady puts her two female parrots in the cage with the two male
parrots, her two say:
Hi! We’re prostitutes. Want to have some fun?”
At which one male parrot looks at the other and shouts:
“Put the beads away! Our prayers have been answered!”
February 23rd, 2009 at 12:45 am
A young couple were making love in a field late at night.
The man says ‘I wish i had at torch’.
Woman replies ‘So do i you’ve been licking the grass for the last 10 minutes’.
February 23rd, 2009 at 2:31 am
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck!’
February 23rd, 2009 at 9:17 am
The Mother Superior instructs two nuns to paint a new room in the convent. “And don’t get a drop of paint on your habits,” she sternly admonishes.
The two nuns decide that the only way they will keep their habits clean is to take them off, paint the room, then put them back on. So they strip, and begin painting.
Suddenly there is a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” asks one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” comes the reply.
The nuns look at each other and shrug. “No harm letting him in,” one says, and opens the door.
“Whoa, sister! Where do you want these blinds?”
February 23rd, 2009 at 9:20 am
A guy walks into a bar holding three ducks. He sets them on the bar and orders a drink. After talking with the bartender for a while, the man excuses himself to use the restroom.
The bartender feel a tad awkward with just himself and three ducks at the bar, so he decides to make small talk with them.
He asks the first duck, “What’s your name?”
“Huey,” replies the duck.
“So, how’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Huey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.”
The bartender asks the second duck, “What’s your name?”
“Duey,” replies the duck.
“So, how’s your day been?”
“Oh, I’ve had a great day,” replies Duey. “I’ve been in and out of puddles all day.”
The witty bartender says to the third duck, “So I guess your name is Louie?”
The duck replies, “No, I’m Puddles.”
February 23rd, 2009 at 2:37 pm
In this ridiculous world of not being able to play conkers in the
playground
etc., here a few basics to get people through life:
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat and the blockage will be gone almost
instantly.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs about lifting the toilet seat. Simply take
a slash in the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a
while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from
rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will
be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad tooth ache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, and then you will
forget about the tooth ache.
AND…..
Sometimes we just need to remember what “The Rules of Life” really are:
You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it
should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the duct tape.
Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the
same night.
There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness.”
Never lick a steak knife.
Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are
going to need them to empty your bedpan.
February 23rd, 2009 at 2:40 pm
Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was
still virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was
nervous. But her mother reassured her.
“Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of
you.” So up she went.
When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest.
Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big
hairy chest.”
“Don’t worry, Maria,” said her mother, “all good men have hairy chests. Go
upstairs. He’ll take good care of you.” Up she went again.
When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy
legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, “Mama, Mama, Tony took off
his pants and he’s got hairy legs!”
“Don’t worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs
and he’ll take good care of you.” Up she went again.
When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was
missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. “Mama, Mama,
Tony’s got a foot and a half!”
“Stay here and stir the pasta,” said her mother. “This is a job for Mama.”
February 28th, 2009 at 9:41 am
There was 3 ladies on an island 1 blonde 1 brunette and a red-head. The city where they wanted to be was 20 miles away with sea between the the island and the city. The red-head swam 4 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the brunette sawm 10 miles and drowned of exhaustion, the blonde swam 19 miles, got tired, and swam back!!
February 28th, 2009 at 9:43 am
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of world capitals. She proudly says, “Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them.” A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of London?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: L.”
February 28th, 2009 at 2:42 pm
Bob’s greatest achievement was his brood of six children. In fact, he was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife “Mother of Six”, despite her continual objections.
One night at a cocktail party, Bob decided it was time to go home and shouted across the room, “Shall we go home, Mother of Six?” His irritated wife hollered back, “Any time you’re ready, Father of Four.”
February 28th, 2009 at 2:47 pm
Never before had Sue looked in the box that her husband kept under their bed.
The box had been there for the past 20 years of their marriage but she had never invaded his privacy. One day, while cleaning, she decided to take a look in the box. She didn’t figure it was anything he was hiding since she could have looked at it any other time but hadn’t.
In the box she found 3 eggs and 10 thousand dollars. This seemed very strange so she went to Fred and asked, “Why are there 3 eggs in a box under our bed?”
He replied, “Well, every time I was unfaithful to you, I put an egg in the box.” Sue was surprised and hurt that he had been unfaithful but she consoled herself with the fact that they had been married for over 20 years and he had only been unfaithful 3 times.
“But where did the 10 thousand dollars come from?” she asked.
“Well, every time I got a dozen, I sold it.”
March 1st, 2009 at 11:02 am
An Irish Ghost Story
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!!
John B, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.
The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door… only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on.
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.
A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying and….wasn’t drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John B sobbing at the bar, one said to the other…
“Look Paddy…..there’s that fecking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!”
March 2nd, 2009 at 6:56 pm
After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.
Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.
“There might be some matches in the top drawer,” she replied.
He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.
Naturally, the guy began to worry.
“Is this your husband?” he inquired nervously.
“No, silly,” she replied, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend then?” he asked.
“No, not at all,” she said, nibbling away at his ear.
“Well, who is he then?” demanded the bewildered guy.
Calmly, the girl replied, “That’s me before the operation.”
March 2nd, 2009 at 6:57 pm
In a check out line the other day and the couple were arguing about whose turn it was to pay.
The clerk was kind of listening until she heard the lady said to the guy, “Stop being a scrote.”
With a furrowed brow the clerk asked, “What is a scrote?”
Without missing a beat the lady responded, “Short for scrotum. He is somewhere between a prick and an asshole.”
March 2nd, 2009 at 11:38 pm
The Wongs
Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year
The Wongs have a new baby..
The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
But definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.
‘Congratulations,’ says the nurse to the new parents.
‘Well, Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?’
The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
‘Well, two Wong’s don’t make a white,
So I think we will name him…
Are you ready for this?
Sum Ting Wong
March 3rd, 2009 at 7:05 pm
This guy goes to the doctor and says ” I’ve got a strawberry stuck up my bum”.
The doctor has a look and replies, “I can give you some cream for that!”
March 6th, 2009 at 11:23 am
What do you call a donkey with three legs?
Wonkey!!!
March 6th, 2009 at 11:37 am
Three men were waiting at Heaven’s Gate. St. Peter says, “OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe.”
So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.
The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.
So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, “How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?”
He nudges the babe and says, “Tell them.” She says to the first two guys, “I lied.”